I Never Won (‘Til You Blew In)-Inspired by White Buffalo’s “Love Song #1”

Pfffffffft. Pfft. Pft. What is that? Pffft. It’s –hack- sand? Sand! I’m alive! Holy crap! I’m –hack hack- alive! I’m on land I made it I’m not dead oh Christ I’m not dead ah ha ha ha HA FUCK YOU DEATH AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON Ah ha! Beautiful, beautiful sand! –Hack- ergh that –hack- that was a ba –hack– bad i- hack HACK– ughhhhh. Don’t –hem- kiss sand, that was a bloody stupid idea, Paddy. Christ it’s hot, where am I?

Shit.

That’s a lot of sea…and not a lot of island. Great. Oh well bloody done Paddy, you’ve really fucked it now, haven’t you. “Go to New York” they said, “It’ll change your life” they said. Well no shit son, frying to death on a godforsaken island in the middle of nowhere is a big fucking change, isn’t it? Knew I shouldn’t have listened to Michael. Michael, you’re a twat.

So, where’s the plane?

Oh. There’s the plane. Erm. I guess I…I mean, do I salute? I probably should, yeah.

Thanks a bunch, Ryan Air. Fucking nailed it.

Okay, so what do I do? Find water. Yeah, that’s good. Good plan, uhm…right. You’ve seen Bear Grylls, can’t drink sea water. You’ve got to make natural cups out of leaves and stuff, collect the water when it rains. Then you’ve got to make a hut, off the floor, like, so the nasties don’t get to your bits. Next…next is…sharpen some wood, make a spear, catch some fish, make a fire with, like, all the fibres. Yeah, the fibres and dry wood. So I need…I need…I need to go into the forest! Make cups out of coconuts, wood for shelter, and Bob’s your uncle! Ah ha! Thank you, Bear! I take it back, Channel 4 aren’t just traitors who snatched Bake Off from the BBC! Ah ha ha ha ha HA! Right, let’s venture into the forest!

One tree.

I’m so fucked.

12 minutes later.

My…my…MY Delilah
– diddle diddle dee-
WHY WHY WHYYY DE-LI-LAH!
I could see that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free
At break of day when that man drove a- ARGH!

What’s that! What is this?

It’s…a page from a newspaper. It’s…

Oh bloody marvellous, it’s the Sun.

FANTASTIC. I’m STUCK on an island with page three as my last ever reading material. I knew there was no God, and if there is he’s not fucking merciful ARE YOU, YOU PRICK? The Sun… what orphanage did I torch in a past life to deserve this?! The Mirror. The Guardian. Bleedin’ Cosmo! Not this…this…this…

Well. I did like Pamela Anderson… Thought her performance in Baywatch was very- ahem- formidable. I suppose…if I’m going to burn to death- thank you MICHAEL- I might as well have one last… hoorah.

1 minute later.

Christ, that chaffs.

1 gust of wind later.

No no no no! Pfft! Hack- HACK- hack! Fuckin’ no, nooo… -sniff- euh heuh heuhhhhhh -sniff- why me…why me he he he heeee…

Wait. What’s that?

Is that…

It can’t be…

It is! It is! That’s a person! Oh great, I don’t even get to die alone. How embarrassing. I guess I probably should… sigh… HELLO?! HELLO!

Oh joy, they’re running over.

How did they get here? They can’t have survived the plane. They look pretty dry for a start and I would have seen them earlier, surely.

…Ahem…

Jesus, they’re the slowest runner I’ve seen since Arnold Hopper at primary school sports day.

What are they wearing? Looks like a red…

-gasp-

I don’t believe it. Is that…? No…

It’s Pamela bloody Anderson.

Miss Anderson! Miss- DAMNIT the one time I meet a model I’m stuck on an island and don’t have a bloody pen- I just wanted to say that I am a HUGE fan of your work. I mean, I was blown away by your –hack– portrayal of C.J. in Baywatch and your cameo in Scary Movie 3? HIL-arious!

Giggles.

Really? You’re too kind, Pamela. Can I call you Pam? No, Pamela is much classier, far more accurate for a bir- woman of your calibre…

Giggles.

Who, me? I’m just an Analyst, me. Well, Online Systems Business Analyst, actually. If you want the full title.

Giggles.

 Well -heh- I was praised for the presentation of my data flow diagrams. Really put Michael out, on the odd occasion.

Giggles?

Yeah, he’s a knob, like. But he’s alright, his heart’s in the right place. Said I could make a bit more of myself in the States. Really go up in the world there. Not just wasting away as an Online System Business Analyst. But make it big as a SENIOR Online Systems Business Analyst. Oh yes. That’s why I’m here, actually. Heh. Was on my way there. Then there’s turbulence, a mask drops down into my microwave strogranoff and before you can say Bob’s your uncle, I’m here. Dying.

Giggle.

Yeah, you’re right. I should look on the bright side. And it is bloody sunny here- heh- because you said I should- ahem- sorry. I’m not too hot on- (nope, stop it.) Sorry, I’ll be honest I’m a bit flustered, what with being slow roasted and talking to a pretty girl. Not that you’re “just a pretty girl” I mean I think you’re lovely and your beauty is a bonus but not in a sexual way NOT THAT I DON’T FIND YOU SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE I WOULD I mean that’s not the plan no no NO I didn’t mean plan I’m not planning on doing anything to you I mean WITH you I mean you’re fine and I don’t mean you’re average you’re great and you seem like a nice person and-

Oh god, just fry my brains and get on with it.

Giggle giggle.

Really? You think that?! Well I I mean I aha uh I uhm…thank you. I ah uhm like talking to you too.

10 minutes later.

Pamela, where did you learn to cook like this? It’s better than Mario’s, and I tell you he can cook fish like an Italian God! You really are amazing, m’love.

Giggles…

Nah, I mean it!

Giggles?

Yeah! I do! And… I’m just…alright, I’ve got to do it. I’ve been saying to myself “Patrick Eamon Evans, if you don’t tell her you’re a fool”. And I am. And I’m a fool who’s never been happier. Or happy, for that matter. Pamela, when you blew into my life like… like a paper in the wind… I was nothing. Just an Online Systems Business Analyst. My data flow diagrams weren’t even that accurate. But, I dunno, you…well, you acknowledged me for a start. And you laughed- not at me but with me! I’ve never laughed so hard with anyone. Every second I have been with you- would you like some wine?- every second I’ve been with you has been full of wonder. I’ve never met a woman who talks like you, who spearfishes in heels like you. I gotta pinch myself, and yeah I mean it bloody kills, what with the severe burns and peeling. But honestly love I feel like I’m dreaming, so I do it. And I’m like “Oh. I’m with you.” I’m actually with you, Pamela, this charming, funny, talented woman. And I just wanna be your man, your friend. For ever. Pamela Anderson, I-

PAMELA WATCH OUT!

AHEUH heuh… I’m sorry Pamela. I think… this is it.

Giggle!

Don’t…-hack hack- don’t be silly! I love you, of course I would take a coconut for you -hack-

Giggle?

Yes, and I’d do it again. –hack HACK HACK HEURGGHHH-

…Giggle?

I…I’m afraid so, my love. It’s…oh man I don’t feel -HEURGH hack heurgh- Ever-everythingshgettin’ a bit…hazy…

Giggle!

Before I…heuuhhh…before…heuhhh…hold me Pamela…heuhhh…before I go, promisss me somethin’?

Giggle?

Get off this island. Get outta here and go to New York for me. Take life by the balls…heuhhh… I didn’t make it, but- no no! Heuhhhhh… Listen. I didn’t make it but…you’re too good to waste. -HACK HACK HACK HACK HACK-

Puhhh-P-Pamela?

Giggle?

Thank you…

Tango Charlie Five-Zero, this is Papa Alpha Niner-Four.

I have a visual on what seems to be a stranded civilian at the crash site.

We have a clear landing.

Over.

 

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