Armageddonish

Cyril leant over his telescomatic 3000 and willed the gods to let him find something tonight.

#Black #MoreBlack #MoreBlack

As he scanned the sky the telescomatic 3000 tweeted his progress.

#MoreBlack #MoreBlack #WaitThatMightBeSomething #GoBackYouUselessMeatSack

Cyril glanced down as the iPad in his lit up with new tweets.

#NotThatFar #BackABit

He inched the telescope back until the iPad flashed again.

#Object218151354ConfirmedFoundByCyrilJonesUK

#Object218151354ConfirmedOnCollisionCourseWithEarth

#DoesAnyoneOnTheISSNeedATelescope?

#We’reAllDoomed

“Crap,” said Cyril slumping to the ground.

———————-

“British stargazer Cyril Bucket yesterday discovered what is said to be the first new space object since the discovery of Styx, a small moon orbiting Pluto in July 2011.” said the perfectly coiffed anchor woman from Fox news. “Cyril’s telescomatic 3000 live-tweeted the discovery in the early hours also claiming the object was on a collision course with the Earth, a suggestion that is yet to be confirmed by science,” she said the word science like it left a bad taste in her mouth.

“Indeed Madison. Fox news have been trying to get hold of a representative of NASA since the story broke without success. However, one person who has been quick to dismiss the claims is President Trump; and we can go to the great man himself now as he addresses the nation from the Whitehouse.”

The camera cut to a video showing Donald Trump sat in a chair by a roaring fire with a white cardigan over tan slacks. He picked up his pipe and took a long drag then put it carefully in a gold ashtray on the table by his recliner.

“My fellow Americans, I’m here today to put your minds at ease, there is no ‘asteroid’ on a collision course with earth. How do I know? Asteroids are not real. I mean who here has ever seen an asteroid?” said President Trump. “I believe that this so called asteroid will turn out to be just another hoax put upon the American people by the Chinese and their puppets in the world scientific establishment. An establishment that I have promised to rid America of. If almighty God would have wanted us to know how things worked he would have put them in the bible. I urge all God-fearing Americans to go about their business as normal, if we ignore it and go on buying high quality American-made electrical items, I guarantee it will all go away. Goodnight and God bless America.”

———————-

Bill Gates sat at the head of the long polished oak table and sipped a particularly excellent Frapin Cuvee as the rest of the group took their seats. The heads of Apple, Coca-Cola and Walmart were looking at Bill expectantly while ExxonMobil, BP and Sinopec were just making themselves comfortable.

“We all know why we’re here right?” said Bill Gates.

“We have a government to blackmail?” asked one CEO.

“We have restrictive new laws to force through?” asked another.

“We have irritating start-ups to force out of the market?” suggested the third.

“Jeez don’t any of you watch the news?!? There’s a massive asteroid heading for earth that will likely wipe out all life on the planet.”

“But, Mr President Trump said there was no such thing as asteroids,” said he BP CEO scratching his initials into the priceless desk with a small penknife.

“Yes but he is a moron, remember we put him in charge so we could all save money by flouting environmental rules.”

“Ha Ha Good times,” said the CEO of ExxonMobil.

“Look, we have 72 hours to get a plan together,” said Bill in a voice that brooked no argument. “Then we have maybe a week to put it in to action. Now let’s focus on what is really important, how do we make this mission a tax benefit?”

48 hours later and the finer points of the tax arrangement had been ironed out and the greatest minds in business put their heads together to come up with a plan to save the earth…

———————-

“So we’re all agreed?” asked Bill slumping into his chair. “This is the plan we’re going with?”

“Yes,” groaned the CEO of ExxonMobil. “We’ve been thinking for hours and no one else can think of any other films where they successfully blow up the asteroid and save the earth bar Armageddon. What are we supposed to do come up with an idea of our own?” A wave of chuckles washed around the room at the absurd notion.

“OK so we plan to round up eight of the best deep sea oil drillers in the world and blast them up there to dig to 800 feet in and then set of a nuclear detonation that will make the asteroid split apart and miss the earth?”

“Yes.”

“Do we need to find a team where one of the guys is sleeping with his boss’s daughter?”

“No but if we can find one that would probably work better.”

“Fine,” said Bill with a sigh. “Let’s get our people on it.”

———————-

“Good morning Randy.”

“Good morning Madison and good morning to you America. We have a packed show for you tonight with all of the latest on the AsteroidGate scandal.”

“We do indeed Randy, a little later on we will see what those hard working industrialists over at the Global Business Council are up to but first we go live to the Oval Office where Vice President Staunton has a message for us.

Behind Madison the screen cut to the multitude of waving American flags that preceded the entrance of the second most powerful man in the world Vice President Staunton.

“Hello American! Today I have seen reports from our most trusted advisors that indicate that we may have been a little hasty in our earlier message to the people. It seems that asteroids are in fact a real thing, they are in the bible and are mentioned in the passages related to the end of days, to Armageddon,” said the Vice President. “However, now is not for fear, it is the time for the people of America to stand together and to say no to Armageddon. I have personally setup the National Asteroid Association or NAA and I urge all of you to join. Together we can get an asteroid for each and every man, woman and child in America. One asteroid is no match for a country of 320 million patriotic Americans all armed with their own asteroids. Together we defeat the evil of asteroids with more asteroids.”

The video faded out to show the pale faces of the two Fox news anchors. “The vice president there with that shocking report,” said Randy.

“Shocking indeed Randy. I for one am going straight out after the show and using my God given second amendment right to sign up for the NAA and get myself an asteroid.”

“I’ll be right behind you Madison, we can’t let extremist space asteroids push us around now is the time to stand firm and put an end to this menace once and for all.”

“Right you are Randy,” said Madison holding her hand to her ear. “Oh it looks like we have finally been able to get a comment from those egg-heads over at NASA.”

The screen behind the anchors flickered to life to show a small bespectacled man in a rumpled shirt and soup-stained tie. “Hi is this thing on?” he asked tapping the mic.

“Yes we can hear you Mr?…”

“Oh I’m Jonas Prentice, ah Mr Bolden asked me to read this message.” He held up a piece of paper almost as rumpled as he was and with a cough began reading. “Look you ingrates, we are really quite busy here doing important and very complicated science type things that you Trump electing buffoons wouldn’t be able to understand even if we took out all of the long words. So please, piss off and leave us alone so we can get on with our work, the phones ringing all the time are really quite distracting.” Jonas stopped and looked up straightening his tie. “Umm… are there any questions?”

There was a crush of noise as all of the assembled journalists tried to shout at once before Jonas picked out a specific journalist with a nod of his head.

“Janice Yung, Fox News, what is the official NASA line on the NAA will they be supplying the people of America with their own asteroids and if not why not?”

Jonas let out a long pained sigh then turned and walked off the stage.

———————-

Back in the GBC HQ Bill Gates sat opposite a barrel-chested, square-jawed uniform with a crew cut and pistol the size of a small cannon on his hip.

“How are we doing Don?”

“Pretty well, we rounded up the most motely crew of deep sea drillers that we could find and sent them down to Kazakhstan where we have the rockets. We got them all suited up and they are ready to blast off any time.”

“What about their training?”

“Well there wasn’t much detail in the movie so we skipped over that part. I’m sure they will figure it out. How hard can it be to drill a hole?”

“True, let’s get them up there.”

———————-

“And here the astronauts go now,” said Madison, talking over the video of the drilling crew waving to the cameras before boarding the rocket; there were a few minutes of nothing much on the screen and then the countdown began.

TEN

“The Fox news team have been given special permission to listen in as these intrepid men take their first steps into the unknown.”

NINE

“If they can’t do it no one can Madison.”

EIGHT

“If they can’t do it no one can Madison indeed Randy.”

SEVEN

“Now let’s go live to the cockpit as they run through their last checks.”

SIX

“What do you mean adjust telemetry?” came a baffled voice from inside the ship.

“Just turn the telemetry nob 20 degrees counter clockwise and that will open up the thrusters. We need more juice or you’re not going to break orbit.”

FIVE

“Which one is the telemetry nob there’s tons of the buggers here.”

FOUR

“It’s the big yellow one on the right, jeez have your forgotten your training already?”

THREE

“What training?”

TWO

“Seriously you’ve had no training at all?!? How the hell do they expect you to pilot the ship?”

ONE

“Erm… they said you were going to do it?”

LIFTOFF

Around the world people cheered as the twin rockets Fuck and You ignited spitting two roaring tunnels of flame. Slowly, then with increasing speed the rockets rose into the sky fighting off the Earth’s gravity. “Good luck to you brave men,” said Randy as the rockets went higher and higher. Then something went wrong, the engines on the Fuck started to splutter then they cut out. The weight of the Fuck pulled the You down, and with its rockets still blazing it slowly turned then began racing back towards the earth propelled by both the engines and the Earth’s gravitational pull.

Before anyone could react the rockets hammered into the ground like a dart filled with semtex; the explosion sent thick oily black smoke into the atmosphere and a tidal wave of fire that incinerated all in its path. The feed to the Fox news studio cut out in a roar of flames and a shocked Madison and Randy were back on the screen.

“Umm… Well it seems that the rocket and the mission to save the earth was a massive failure,” said a numb Randy.

“What are we going to do now?” asked Madison. “Where is the NAA? Where are our asteroids God damnit?!? The only thing that can stop a bad guy with an asteroid is a good guy with an asteroid!”

Randy held his finger to his ear to block out his hysterical co-anchor then cut in his instructions received. “We can now go live to the Whitehouse where President Trump is standing by…”

The screen cut to the frazzled President who was striding around the roof of the Whitehouse a machine gun in each hand, toupee flapping in the driving wind. He had torn the sleeves off his suit exposing his sinewy arms and his tie was wrapped around his head Rambo style. “The time is here people,” he said shouting into the camera. “It’s now or never. This menace cannot be reasoned with, it cannot be ignored it only understands one thing. Force. We need to get out there and give it to Johnny Asteroid with both barrels.” The president spun and with a wild cackle started firing into the air vaguely in the direction of where the asteroid loomed high in the sky, some 25,000 miles away.

———————-

“It is now four hours since President Trump ordered a full scale ground assault on the asteroid,” said the announcer on the radio. “Our experts put the dead from falling bullets at around ten million with, tens of millions more wounded. Hospitals all over the country are overwhelmed and have been forced to implement the Uber, surge pricing model. On the up side in the wake of the crisis shares in the US medical industries boomed with Sentera shares alone rocketing up 300%. Prime Minister May declared it a sad day for our allies but a good day for her bank balance before skipping off on her Lear Jet for her secret bunker in the Swiss alps. ”

“Bloody Tories,” mumbled Cyril clicking off the radio.

#It’sStillComing #YepDefinatelyGettingCloser tweeted his telescope as the asteroid slowly filled the sky.

“It might be the end of the world but look at that view,” said Cyril pointing to where the edge of the asteroid was lit up with flames as it started to enter the Earth’s atmosphere.

“Ya beautiful,” conceded Olga taking a hit of Vodka straight from the bottle. Cyril had been saving it for their first night together as man and wife, when they finally did the deed but it seemed a shame to waste it now that wouldn’t happen.

“I love you, you know Olga,” he said hand on her leg. “I really actually do.”

“I like you too Cyril,” she said taking another hit. “I like you too.”

Cyril wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, it really was beautiful now that he could see the detail, and the colours, blues, browns and those glorious reds and, and, “What the?” said Cyril nudging the viewfinder over to where a bright violet light appeared on the asteroid. He had just focused when it dimmed then there was a blinding flash.

“So beautiful,” he heard Olga say as if from a long distance. After a few moments when his vision finally started to clear he looked up and the beautiful, looming ball that would devastate the world was gone replaced by a thousand shooting stars.

“What? What happened?”

“It was there, then there was a flash now not there,” said Olga taking another hit of vodka. “Why not try the radio?”

Cyril bent down and clicked the radio back on. “We have confirmation, the asteroid has gone! Eye witnesses are claiming that there was a blinding flash in the sky then the asteroid was just gone! Amazing scenes! In churches, synagogues and mosques all over the globe people are declaring a miracle. Wait, wait… we have news coming in, yes there is a spokesman from NASA making an announcement, let’s see if we can cut in on the feed…” There was some static then an American voice came over the radio.

“Yes it was us. Are there any better questions?” There was an eruption of noise as everyone tried to talk at once then the spokesman cut back in. “You there, moustache; hit me?”

“Tom Billstick, ABC news; what did you guys do?”

“Death laser,” said the NASA spokesman matter-of-factly.

“What? But how?”

“Science bitches! You should try it some time. Anyway I’m off for a shower, a beer and a fucking long sleep. Let me know when our medals arrive eh?”

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