“Now I know what you’re thinking, performing a vasectomy on a badger using your wife’s shoes with a gun to your head suggests a serious situation.”

I guess you kinda had to be there; anywho!

I swung the sword but she evaded and returned with a blow to my abdomen. Retreating to catch my breath, I caught sight of Frankenstein on the floor by the door. The blow from my kicking the door had been a well placed one, hitting him right on the base of the nose and forcing the cartilage up into his frontal lobe; silver linings and all that.

Rallying once more we charged each other once more and started the greatest battle of all time. Ever. Like, you have no idea because your reading silly words and everyone knows that words are shit at fighting. This would be so much better as a film – looking at you 20th Century Fox – but alas, we haven’t the budget or the time. Needless to say it was epic, with witty back and forth’s like:

“You’re not bad for a 400 year old woman,” “Yes, if only your tongue was as dull as you sword!”

Great banter.

Ah well, we’ve strung this whole thing out a little too long now. I land the killing blow in the crux of her neck and shoulder, though the blade is indeed dull and only cuts in a third of the way. I tug the sword out and hack away inappropriately and without ceremony for a good five minutes and the demon is no more. I sit the head of the latest victim next to that of the Princess of Lichtenstein; well I think the vampire was the actual ruler, this blonde bimbo had clearly just been a clever mirage to cover the grand schemes in the monarchy.

I grab the bottle of tequila from the mini bar and sit on a plush chair that I have moved to the hole in the wall. A birds eye view on the Armageddon below. I drink myself into oblivion. Unfortunately, a man’s work is never truly done, so I awake the next morning feeling like I’ve accepted a drink from Bill Cosby. I look over to the desk and see the two heads that seem to be quite alive and thoroughly pissed at me.

You know it’s not going to be a great day when you wake up dead, and you can be fairly sure it’ll be a bad day when you wake up dead with a hangover, an empty bottle of tequila, and the head of the princess of Lichtenstein.

N.B. See Deadpool star Ryan Reynolds in another great film, Voices. You’ll definitely regret it but the reference will be there.


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