New and Exclusive

The assassination of Donald Trump in 2021 wasn’t exactly a surprise to anyone, but it still created waves … in the scientific community, of all places!

After so many years of wondering what exactly was going on behind that yellow hair and a face that looked like it was rubbed in mashed-up Cheetos, Hello! magazine is pleased to finally shed some light on the subject with an exclusive interview with the man behind the curtain (so to speak) … Trump’s brain!

Thanks to scientific advancement we don’t really understand ourselves (years writing about celebrity weddings will do that to you!), a person’s brain can now be separated from their body after death and be investigated to find desperately needed answers to questions ranging from, “who killed you?” to “where did you leave the cheese?”

Although the rest of Trump’s body is still lying under a steam roller, his head was intact enough to allow scientists to extract the brain and reinstall it in a computer; downloading and uploading it again, if you like. It can then be interrogated.

With Hello! the only magazine being granted this exclusive permission, sit back and prepare yourself for what promises to be a rip-roaring ride through racism, wall-building and, ahem, pussy grabbing


HELLO!:           Hello, Brain. Thanks for spending this time with us. I understand you’re quite the popular person right now?

BRAIN:             Yes, hello. Sorry, excuse me if I get a bit flustered. I’m not used to being in the spotlight without a thick wall of bone surrounding me.

H!:                   I have to say, your accent is not quite what I expected.

B:                     No, well … Nobody’s ever expected to hear a brain speak before, have they? I suppose it would be a shock to anyone to find out that the brain of such a moron to have a Greek accent. But, you know, I was first discovered by the Greeks in 6BC and their accent must have melded with mine … I don’t know, science baffles me.

H!:                   It’s not the only thing that baffles you, is it?

B:                     What do you mean?

H!:                   Apparently, consent is also a confusing subject to you.

B:                     Now, hang on …

H!:                   “Grab them by the pussy.” Does that ring any bells?

B:                     Oh.

H!:                   It’s a very disappoint thing indeed to find out that the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, is in favour of grabbing women by their genital areas. Can you explain yourself?

B:                     Well … It’s fun, isn’t it?

H!:                   Sexually assaulting women?

B:                     Yes, well … Haha … No, I er …

(At this point, the brain’s lawyer makes a “please move on” gesture so we decide to leave that line of questioning to one side for now.)

H!:                   Moving on. Racism. Talk us through it.

B:                     Well … It’s bad, isn’t it? That’s what I’ve heard.

H!:                   That’s what you’ve heard? Are you saying that you don’t know for sure if racism is bad or not?

B:                     Well, I …

H!:                   What have you got against Mexicans?

B:                     A wall. Haha! That was a good joke!

H!:                   Ah yes. The wall. We were going to save this for later but since you’ve brought it up, let’s deal with it now, shall we?

B:                     If you like. I’ve got nothing to hide. Everything I’ve done has been splashed across the worldwide news.

H!:                   We’ll start with an easy one. Why build a wall?

B:                     Because of the immigrants.

H!:                   What immigrants? The people coming into America to make a better life for themselves? The people escaping war and poverty and famine and cruelty, in order to bring their children up in a country free of all that?

B:                     Coming here illegally, I might add.

H!:                   Oh, that’s your problem. They were illegal. They were sneaking into the USA.

B:                     And they shouldn’t! It’s a crime!

H!:                   So is sexual assault, but you claim that was “fun”. Maybe the immigrants were also trying to have “fun”, don’t you think?

B:                     They shouldn’t be here! Mexico is for Mexicans, America is for Americans.

H!:                   Ah. As I thought. It is a racism thing. Not the fact that they’re doing it illegally, more the fact that they’re … foreigners.

B:                     I …

H!:                   Leaving this aside for a hot minute, let me ask you an even more pressing question. In your right mind, did you ever really think that this dumb wall idea could really work?

B:                     Of course.

H!:                   Really?

B:                     Yes.

H!:                   There wasn’t ever an alternative?

B:                     Like what?

H!:                   Let me put this to you. How about a fence?

B:                     A fence?

H!:                   The bi-partisan Secure Fence Act of 2006 called for two layers of chain link and barbed wire fence, along with other measures including sensors and satellite surveillance. In reality, your wall is an expensive and ineffective solution. A fence would cost a tiny fraction of your wall and would be very effective at reducing illegal immigration.

B:                     That’s all well and good, Ms. Home Depot, but building a wall has been a strong talking point for years. In 2006, George Bush signed a bill authorizing the construction of a “fence” along 700 miles of the border with Mexico. Unfortunately, that bill was never funded. In the years since, the U.S. has seen illegal immigration numbers increasing, and the cost to the country growing continuously, as these … individuals consume government benefits without contributing an equal amount of tax revenue. Immigration and illegal immigration have been a topic for as long as this country has been around. Congress passed legislation for border patrol in the 1920s. When the US made drugs illegal it put an emphasis on the southern border. More recently there have been drug wars in Mexico near our border. We need this damn wall!

H!:                   I think you’ve forgotten the magic required to make the wall work. Each immigrant would have to swallow a pill which would erase their ability to think or remember as they surely know how to go over, under, around or straight through a wall. That wall would be a useless monument to American ignorance.

B:                     I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.

H!:                   I’m not taking it seriously! You built a wall and people are still coming into the country. You built detainment centres and people are still coming into the country. You’ve done nothing useful to curb gun crime in schools and, yes, people are still coming into the country. Why the hell were you so focussed on getting a wall in place? Plenty of Republicans voted against it.

B:                     I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want border security and extreme vetting.

H!:                   That sounds a little Orwellian …

B:                     I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall …

H!:                   Jesus Christ …

B:                     And I will make Mexico pay for that wall!

H!:                   Ironically, Brain, I feel like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall trying to talk to you.

B:                     Make America great again!


I left the interview in a state of righteous anger. In all my time as a journalist, I’ve never had such an ignoramus in the hot seat. Lou Reed is vile and bullying, Gwyneth Paltrow is haughty, and Madonna refused to answer anything other than questions about Kabbalah. But to be faced with such bare-faced racism and hatred? I’m grateful for the lockable, soundproofed box that is Mr. Trump’s permanent home.




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